Do you struggle with feeling like you have lost your identity to you relationship? Do you have a long list of hobbies, interests or activities that you used to do before your relationship? Is resentment creeping in between you and your partner? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, keep reading.
To the best of my knowledge, Murray Bowen, M.D., the father of Family Systems Theory, was the first clinician to describe the concept of differentiation as it pertains to family systems. Bowen maintained that people with a poorly differentiated “self” depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform. In contrast, a person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.
David Schnarch, Ph.D. has focused Bowen’s concept of differentiation more specifically to sex and intimacy in his book Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy. Schnarch believes that learning how to be differentiated in romantic relationships leads to becoming more differentiated in the rest of your life. “ ‘It’s not that hard to be independent when you’re alone’, Schnarch observes. ‘But pursuing your own goals and standing up for your own beliefs, your personal likes and dislikes, in the midst of a relationship is a far tougher feat. Once achieved in the context of a relationship, differentiation becomes possible outside as well. If you can stand your ground with your partner, who means so much to you, you can defend your turf at the office and maintain your principles when pressured.’ ” In this way, making the decision to value differentiation in your relationship can have life-altering impacts.
So how can we create relationships that have a healthy level of differentiation? Here are the four steps, according to Schnarch:
1. Maintain your own values and goals, even if your partner is pressuring you to do otherwise.
2. Learn how to soothe yourself when you’re feeling emotional or anxious. Don’t rely on your partner to calm you down.
3. Don’t shy away from confrontation. Stay calm in the face of difficult people or situations.
4. Keep going, even if you make mistakes. Don’t let one little setback prevent you from trying to grow.
One thing to keep in mind is that differentiation is a dynamic rather than a static concept. You never check the differentiated box and move on. Some times you will be able to hold onto yourself better than at other times. If you would like to learn more about differentiation and how to grow towards being separate but connected in your relationships contact me here.
